Who Really Owes You An Apology?

Not long ago, an old flame wrote me a letter.

It came in the mail, the old-fashioned way. A card, and a long separate typed sheet, double-sided, with a lot of reflection on his life and his philosophies.

My first thought was how sweet to hear from him.

At first, a little jolt of adrenaline, a curiosity about what has happened in the years since we were dancing our dance.

And, since the relationship ended kinda funny (as in, he disappeared off the face of the earth involved in some kind of dark pursuit) I was reading along waiting for an apology.

Not exactly pure, open reading.  

Hope reading. Like where you hope you’ll read what you wanna read.

So here I am about to begin again my teleclass on romance and pain and sexuality, questioning stress in lover relationships, and I’m noticing very clearly this little moment….

….watching myself fall right into wishing and waiting to be asked for forgiveness by a former love interest.

Interesting. Very interesting. I love how these things just arrive, for inquiry, without any planning.

My mind had speedy quick, without hardly a beat, gone to the place where I was a victim.


You may notice you have a relationship or two (or five, or forty-three) where you have the lingering thought that you were wronged.

If you do, and it feels like a festering wound that won’t heal….

….then let’s get that belief faced full-on right now.

You may find relief, if you’ve been hurting.

First. Is it actually true that you be done wrong? Really?

YEAH! That was bunk! (Punching the air).

OK, got it. You’re really pissed.

How do you react when you believe that person messed you up, hurt you, abandoned you, shorted you, conned you, fooled you?

I feel *horrible*.

I’m mean to other possible partners, actually. Or afraid. I choose and move based on avoiding repeat pain. I lick my wounds. I don’t step out.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’–as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless.” ~ Byron Katie

So who would I be without my belief that I was wronged?

I’m not saying it wasn’t hard, or brutal, or that it could be repeated, or that you deserved it.

Only who you would be without the belief you were the victim? That you are owed an apology?

Huh. Wow.


Well, I’d be lighter. I’d be moved on to other things. I’d be remembering and reflecting and allowing that situation to heal, and be as it is.

I’d notice I’m happy now, and how much I learned and grew through that process. Like, a ton.

Without the belief that I’ve been wronged, I’d be free right here, right now.

“Love until your voice trembles, and your heart pounds, and your legs shake, and your philosophies crumble to dust, and your cleverness bows its head in shame and in reverence. And you will be taken to the darkest places, and your heart will be set on fire by the ones to whom you were never able to open your heart, and you will be reminded of what you have always, secretly, known: In time, you will forget everything, except how to die, and how to love.” ~ Jeff Foster

I turn the thought around: I have not been wronged by anyone, I wronged myself (by not speaking up, by being dishonest, by clinging), I wronged others in the same way I thought they wronged me.

I do not need any apology, except for myself, from myself.

The letter had no apology written in it, but I knew what to do now.

I whispered to myself.

I am sooooo sorry honey. 

I didn’t listen to you, I was confused, I forgot wholeness without chasing after other people, I didn’t listen to you, I didn’t think you were good enough. You are incredible. You never leave, no matter what I do or say, or forget. Thank you, I love you.

Now that’s the best apology ever.

If you’re up for joining an 8 week teleclass on looking for love in all the wrong places and the adventure of contact with others, then join us for Romance, Passion and Healing….

…..We’re looking at LOVE when it comes to lovers, mates, spouses, ex’s, strangers, or partners of any kind and how to end the suffering we’ve experienced in their name.

Click here to read more, or register for the class.

Much love,


2 Replies to “Who Really Owes You An Apology?”

  1. The poem here by Jeff Foster is amazing it tells it all. That is exactly how it went for me “taken to the darkest places. And your heart will be set on fire.

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