Waking Up Is Not Dictating What Others Should Do–Including The S Word

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It is awesome. We do The Work deeply on what disturbs our peace….there is nothing like awakening with yourself as your own teacher, questioning your stressful thoughts. And the location helps, too.


Do you have rules about a partner's activities that scare you or make you mad? Inquiry can REALLY help!
Do you have rules about a partner’s activities that scare you or make you mad? Inquiry can REALLY help!

“Do we have to share about our sex life, or lack of it?” she said with a nervous laugh.Not long ago someone wrote to me to say she was wondering about taking the upcoming Sexuality teleclass, but felt a little embarrassed.

It is SUCH a difficult topic.

Although, you could question that.

Isn’t it uncomfortable only because we’ve been very well trained to feel guilty, sad, jealous, unworthy, or frightened when it comes to sexual contact and sexuality?

OMG! Something terrible will happen if I feel attraction to “x”!

OMG! Something terrible will happen if I don’t feel attraction to “y”!

OMG! It is horrible when pairings change around and switch, or people sleep with one then another, or people leave long-time monogamous relationships!

OMG! I can’t say that out loud!


It’s weird all the rules and regulations people learn, often from adults ever since they are kids.

This over here is right. That over there is wrong.

It is such an incredible thing to question these “truths” or beliefs and take them to inquiry.

Just because you’re questioning them doesn’t mean all hell will break loose or you won’t have solid ground to stand on, don’t worry.

One of the biggest sources of pain is when people believe they should be with one person sexually or “in relationship”, and that same person has been with others!

I mean, people get really freaked out about this.

If you find yourself upset about a partner’s history, current desires, other relationships, or life outside of contact with you….

….you may want to inquire.

You may be making yourself completely crazy in where insanity is not necessary.

At all.

Here’s the general concept that flips people into the most whacked emotional states….and I can mention it, because that was me.

“That person should have no one but me as their partner, they should care about only me, they should sleep with only me, they should love only me in this special romantic partnered way.”


Good lord, no.

What’s the reality of relationships?

I note that people throughout history are moving, going, coming, committing, ending, divorcing, breaking up. Since the beginning of humankind.

Apparently, Reality is that there are no hard and fast rules. Some are interested in one-to-one for many years, others like moving about.

What if there was really no “right” or “wrong”?

If this upsets you, why? What’s the danger?

And what WILL people think if you speak out loud anyway?

Seriously. Answer this question.

What is the actual problem with people not committing, or people having multiple relationships, or your partner choosing someone else, or talking about sex?

When I really looked at this with an open mind, I realized that the danger for me, when getting divorced, was that I was imagining I was worthy of being rejected, abandoned, or having a failed marriage.

It meant something about ME.



But who would you be without the belief that the motions of other people, even that one you really love and adore, should be close to YOU ONLY?

“Part of waking up is that you live your life as you see fit. And understand: that is not selfish. The selfish thing is to demand that someone else live their life as YOU see fit. THAT’S selfish. It is not selfish to live your life as you see fit. The selfishness lies in demanding that someone else live their life to suit your tastes, or your pride, or your profit, or your pleasure. That is truly selfish….I no longer avoid you because of any negative feelings you create in me. You don’t have that power anymore.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Can you taste the freedom in allowing people to come and go as they please? The joy in you getting to do this, too?

And oh the freedom of speaking what you really want to say out loud. Of saying those words, those beliefs and thoughts that you’re thinking about what should or should not happen physically with others.

How could it be a good thing, that life shows up this way, with unknown couplings and unexpected attractions, with unplanned commitments and joyful long relationships?

How could it be awesome to talk about it?

When I felt the freedom available to me in divorce, in break ups, in losing all expectations for what relationships were supposed to look like….

….ahhhhh. Such wonder.

The fun, the discussions, the play, the exploration, the conversations! So wonderful, so intimate!

If you feel pain about any aspect of sexuality….ideas, loss, rules, difficulty, longing, fear, nervousness….

….you might love the upcoming Our Wonderful Sexuality class starting Thursday mornings 10-11:30 am Pacific time on January 22nd.

With respect for ourselves and every voice that wants to talk inside us, we write down our painful beliefs we tell ourselves about relationships, whether past, present or future….

….and free our minds.

Won’t you join me?

Much love,


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