This past weekend included a Monday holiday in the USA, so we had a long weekend.
I actually put down my computer, set aside skype, mostly put away my calendar, and did not work with clients for One Whole Day.
I must admit, I have a returning whirling dervish attitude towards getting stuff done sometimes.
Like a wave of a feeling, it comes on and shouts “Don’t dink around, accomplish stuff, go, go, go!”
(Do you remember the children’s book “Go Dog, Go?” Well, it’s like that, only not so many parties.)
Even though I didn’t put so many clients on my schedule, on the weekend afternoon I set aside what I thought would be two hours to do website updates, learn a new software program, and do accounting.
My husband and I had talked of going to a movie that night, a somewhat rare treat.
I rolled through the accounting, I devoted time to learning….two hours went by like that (snap).
Then I started working on some stuff for Year of Inquiry and Summer Camp and then next time I looked up it was 6:30 pm.
Getting kind of close to not being able to go to an earlier movie.
Husband knocked on the door and said in his incredibly kind way “are you free?” I said no, maybe in a little while.
The next time I looked up it was 9 pm. Then 10:15. Too late for any movies.
Then it was 11:30 pm, still working, and Saturday night, over.
I had accomplished a lot, but had a wave of disappointment. Wasn’t this evening supposed to be spent having time with my partner, enjoying the fantasy story of a movie?
When I was a teenager, we used to say we were “vegging out”. Like a vegetable.
Just….doing nothing. Hanging out. Playing, talking, lying around.
Oh those days, where have they gone? Where did my Saturday night just go?
I should have stopped and taken a break. That’s what life is for. Enjoying and having fun. Jeez. What’s wrong with me. I’m becoming a workaholic. Why can’t I just chill?
Is it true?
Yes. It’s almost midnight and I started this project at 3 in the afternoon!
Can I absolutely know that it’s true, that I should have stopped and interrupted that creative, intense flow?
But I wanted to see Spiderman! I missed out. My very patient husband kinda wanted to spend time with me and I with him.
How do you react when you believe that thought?
Frantic. A sinking feeling. Not enough time on this planet for it all. I can’t do it fast enough. Quick, quick, needa get it done.
So who would you be without that belief that what you did prevented you from doing something else more fun? Or that what you chose eliminated something else, at all?
There’s the picture of a dinner out plus Spiderman night, and the actual reality of a torrent of creative energy and tasks unfolding.
I know very well that when I believe something else should have happened than what actually happened….
….it’s rather disturbing.
“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie
Even if I think I am suffering because of ME and my own choices and my own propensity to over-do things, or because of my own mind being very one-tracked at times.
Thinking I did it wrong and that there’s someone to blame (me) creates trouble.
I turn the thoughts around: I should NOT have stopped and taken any break. That’s what life is for. I was enjoying and having fun. Yay! Things are right with me. I’m becoming a joy-aholic. I have fun on Saturday nights doing anything!
I didn’t miss out.
Wow. That’s actually all very true. It’s all truer.
“When you say, I enjoy doing this or that, it is really a misperception. It makes it appear that the joy comes from what you do, but that is not the case. Joy does not come from what you do, it flows into what you do and thus into this world from deep within you.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
I love catching even these tiny quick moments of fleeting disappointment and turning them around.
And the next day….dance, meditation, talking with family, friends, vacuuming, music, singing, Spiderman.
Much love, Grace