“The course of true love never did run smooth.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
Love is a smoke and is made with the fume of sighs.
To be wise and love exceeds man’s might!”
These are all comments written by the famous Shakespeare.
Love is not exactly given a good rap.
Love….never smooth, blind, unclear, sad, and unwise.
One of the great dilemmas people come to inquiry with, in solo sessions with me because often they feel so guilty and ashamed they don’t want anyone else to hear about it, is if they should stay or go in their committed love relationship.
It’s like torture.
Come, go, quit, stay, leave, arrive, enter, exit, approach, depart, divorce, stay married, break up, renew.
It’ll drive anyone insane if you think you should make a decision.
So that concept itself is a great one to question (search “decision” in other Grace Notes for inquiry about making a decision).
But if you’re torn, and you want more focus and light on your experience….
….start with writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on all the stuff you dislike, resent, feel disappointed about or feel bored by when it comes to your partner.
Judge the heck outta them.
Don’t hold back. Let it rip.
Do The Work on all the concepts. Explore it deeply.
….you may be at a new open level.
You don’t feel stung, or like a victim, or enraged. The emotional intensity is softened, you’ve relaxed your attack significantly.
You notice it’s very peaceful to not want that person to be different than they actually are.
And it’s impossible anyway.
But you realize….it’s not actually this person you’ve made a commitment to, who you spend time or a home with, that’s the problem.
You’re facing something much bigger than you thought before.
You’re facing your beliefs about love and what it’s supposed to give you in your life. You’ve believed, maybe, that you’ll only have love if you’re technically “with” another human being.
You’re facing your beliefs about being alone.
And THIS is what really frightens you.
Oh, and hurting your partner’s feelings. Can’t forget that.
It causes great anxiety and sorrow.
But who would you be without the belief you’ll hurt someone when you say goodbye?
Who would you be without the thought that when you cause someone to cry, you should be punished, or you’re doing it wrong?
Who would you be without the belief that love means sacrifice, or love means holding back and staying together even if you want to fly, or that love means you can’t do what you truly want?
Who would you be without the belief that being alone sucks and does not involve the feeling of love?
What if you came from another planet and you were raised with the notion that mating, parting, togetherness, and being alone all have beautiful benefits and you are free to move in and out of these states as long as you live?
I notice, I already do move in and out of these states of mind, even though technically I’m “married”.
There is very little neediness, or grabbish energy, or expecting things. This is also a second marriage for both of us and it is very, very different from what we once believed about partnership and marriage.
But we have both inquired very, very thoroughly about what love is, what love is supposed to “do” for you, and found that it can be present whether you’re in relationship or out of relationship.
What if you knew you were completely and entirely safe, no matter what you pick or which way you move?
Recently I facilitated a sincere inquirer on the dread she felt about breaking up with her boyfriend.
She hated the way he was with money, she disliked his gambling, she wasn’t comfortable with his drinking, she wasn’t all that excited about his relationship with her son….
….but she was scared to “have to” start dating again.
What if it was the best thing in the whole world to date?!
Her assignment was….finding real, genuine, honest, authentic examples of turnarounds for being single, and dating.
This was a whole new world for her to imagine the joy of having someplace to yourself, being alone, taking yourself out to a movie, joining friends, connecting with groups, speaking freely, inviting others, having a blast and following her deepest pleasures.
Wow. So exciting.
Who would you be without your painful beliefs about love?
What if love was present whether you’re with a person, or not?
What if love has nothing to do with being married, or single?
Are you sure what you mean when you say “love” is actually “love” and requires another person?
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud…Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” ~ Corinthians
This means it endures through singleness and through contact with others.
Could love be present in any moment?
Even if you see the sadness at saying goodbye, and you cry your eyes out.
Maybe that heartbreak is all a part of love, breaking your heart open to something bigger and more expansive than ever imagined.
Life is like that.
Isn’t that what we really always wanted?
“Seeking love keeps you from the awareness that you already have it–that you are it……Don’t be careful, you could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie