My house is not empty enough. Not quiet enough. Not big enough.
That’s how I felt the other day.
One kid is running a vlogger youtuber guy on her phone while lying on the couch, another kid has his headset on and computer plugged in and he’s talking to a friend on a hangout (we hear his side of the conversation). Husband is working from home, sitting at the table answering emails, then on and off the phone.
Voices, sounds, electronics. Everyone in the same room.
Where’s the silence? Nevermind on the whole work-at-home thing! I need a sanctuary!
I went into my bedroom and shut the door.
Of course husband came in five minutes later (it is his room too) to get something.
“Just grabbing the mail I left! I won’t disturb you!”
I must have complete and total silence. Immediately.
Is that true?
YEESS! This is really irritating. There are too many people in a very small space. I can’t take it!
Are you sure? Are you absolutely positive you must have total silence right now this minute? Are you sure you don’t have it already?
My eyes almost close with this question. Feeling a peace and darkness and the place that never cares about noise, almost instantly.
How do you react when you believe you must have quiet….or else?
Angry with everything that makes sound, that asks me a question, that interrupts or wants something. Full of the thought “I have to…”
As in I am forced to listen, I am forced into this position, I am trapped and stuck in this environment, there’s no way out, it’s a prison.
Um. Can you say…..victim?
Who would you be without that belief, that you have to contend with this noise? That you have to deal with this annoying situation and people all over the place imposing on your silent space?
“To stand alone in true solitude is to stand in the recognition of the absolute completeness and unity of all manner of existence.” ~ Adyashanti
All manner of existence. Including this so-called loud space where stuff appears to be happening and other bodies are living closely, at the moment, to one another.
Without the thought I notice in my room it’s quiet and sweet. It’s precious, all this fabulous family all living so closely, interacting near each other. I notice they are content.
I notice I am content.
The knocks on the door are a flowing part of a musical piece going up and down in sound. The chimes outside the window, the motors of cars in the distance, the neighbor stepping on his gravel driveway.
“You put your whole life on hold until you have ‘x’. If there’s not enough of it, we’ll put our life on hold and be happy, later. If I can get that, I’ll be happy. Skip all of that, and just be happy now…. There’s nowhere to go, and no one going. This is it. This is all your thinking has ever brought you. This is it. Heaven is always where I am. I stopped arguing with what is.” ~ Byron Katie
I do not need silence. I need my thoughts about noise to be silent. I need me to be silent.
And I realized suddenly, I don’t actually even need that. It really is here already.
“It is utter stillness. Such is the form and shape of your original mind. Your own nature is essentially pure and utterly still.” ~ Hui Hai
Bring on the sounds, the noise, the loudness. Let it play. Let it stop. Not exactly up to me. All beautiful.
Much love, Grace