Have you ever wanted a do-over when it comes to a relationship?
Lately I’ve done The Work with many people who have romantic partner troubles.
She left, he left, I need her, he’s gone, she shouldn’t have had other partners before me, he shouldn’t have found someone else so fast, she shouldn’t have kids with another man, I’ve been hurt, abandoned, I’ve lost the other person.
Woah, it’s a long and sad tale…..for many people, for centuries.
The funny thing is, it can even hurt when you know these thoughts aren’t actually true.
When my 16 year marriage was ending, I was shocked at the level of grief, rage and fear that sometimes surfaced.
As I did The Work carefully, investigating all my inner worries…
…I discovered that I used this experience to prove there was something wrong with me, that I had missed something, made a mistake, that I had become worthy of being left.
Ow. No wonder it hurt.
The ego-centered mind just LOVES to wind up being a victim and lash out at the world…it really gets off on it.
As I began to date people (I love close, intimate relationships, so this felt really natural) I had a brand new experience I hadn’t really been aware of before.
I twisted myself up like a pretzel trying to be pleasing!
Never again did I want anyone to decide to leave me, or even entertain the idea.
Trouble is, when you try to be sooooo easy-going, so perfect, so nice, so pleasant to be around…
…you can practically make yourself sick, literally, with the falseness of it all.
It’s so fake!
(I felt anxious, vulnerable and awful during that prezel-bending time–which just happens to be when I got a cancerous tumor on my leg).
Who would you be without the belief you need to figure out what someone else wants, and do that, in order not to be rejected or win their approval?
Who would you be without the belief that it’s possible to even be rejected or abandoned or approved of, at all?
What if someone breaking up with you was the same as them saying “bye honey, I’m leaving for work”!
You don’t freak out when that happens, right?
You consider it NORMAL.
It would be weird if they DIDN’T ever leave!!
What if you turned these thoughts around about yourself, or your need to please or protect yourself?
He set me free, she considered me strong and independent enough to handle it, I don’t need anyone (in a good way), she should have had every single partner and all they taught her, he should have found someone else very fast to free me up, so grateful she had kids with another man, I’ve been healed, I’ve been found, I am worthy of being set free, this was a repair (not a mistake), there is something right with me.
Allow yourself to feel this, not just catch it mentally in your mind.
The joy is immense. There is no need for creating barriers or shields between yourself and others, or over-pleasing.
All you do is let yourself be right here, present, loving everyone around including yourself in this amazing moment.
And watch what happens.
Here’s an example of the total goofiness in trying to carefully calculate what might please someone else….from one of my favorite movies ever….
….which is TODAY!!
Laugh and be free! You get a do-over!!