LIVE Facebook Friday (today!) at 11:30 am Pacific Time. The topic this time is why not to do The Work on YOURSELF….why look outside yourself to judgment (which we’re taught NEVER to do). I’ll share at the end about the upcoming Year of Inquiry program which is starting in a month.
If you don’t know about how to watch a facebook live event, it’s a simple way to use a phone video camera to connect with everyone right on facebook. It’s completely LIVE, as in Real Time. The way you can participate and watch, while it’s happening, is on my facebook page: Head over to WorkWithGrace on Facebook. (Like the page while you’re there, it helps spread the word).
Year of Inquiry is a remarkable program where you get to question your stressful beliefs for an entire year, with an amazing group of people. We learn to “be” our honest selves, and question what we think is wrong with life, in any way whatsoever. Including ourselves.
As a preview to help with deepening our internal work, I’m offering my free masterclass immersion: TEN BARRIERS that BLOCK THE WORK on August 22nd at 8:30 am Pacific Time (like, for example, feeling horribly embarrassed and ashamed you’ve screwed up–that would be Barrier #8). The class is 2 hours long with a huge amount of information.
There will be a Q & A at the very end of the Immersion Class on 8/22 about the new Year of Inquiry starting September 5th. Register for the free immersion class right HERE. It will be recorded, so if you can’t attend, you’ll receive the link for the replay. Feel free to share this with anyone you know who may be interested.
Speaking of feeling ashamed that you’ve done something wrong….I noticed this appeared twice in recent group inquiries in Summer Camp for The Mind which is underway right now.
And then, it appeared again when working with a lovely inquirer only yesterday.
The situation: someone didn’t show up, someone said “no” in a harsh way, someone gave you the silent treatment.
You’re upset with them, even angry. And you’re also wondering if YOU are the kind of person who does something to deserve being stood up.
The mind moves into thoughts like “this always happens to me” or “I must be communicating poorly” or “I’m obviously an idiot” or “I make arrangements with the wrong kinds of people”.
You just get an overall feeling you’re wrong, bad, off, screwing up.
Even if you also blame that other person over there for not being responsible or reliable, there’s an attack on the self.
What I appreciate noticing about the Attack of The Self, is it comes out of a stressful thought about someone else. So, it’s a reaction to another stressful belief you’re assuming is true. If you were happily going about your business with absolutely no one else around, you wouldn’t feel this cutting self-criticism.
They’re giving me the silent treatment (no show, no response, no communication).
It means lots of bad things, including this thing about me that I must be asking for it or creating it somehow.
But let’s take a look at the original thought, that this silent non-communicative experience is terrible….and that other person is giving it to me.
Is it true they’re giving you the silent treatment?
I’ve reached out. I’ve left messages. I’ve emailed. Nada.
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
Well….they could be frightened, or not know what to say, or be too angry to return my call. There’s that. It wouldn’t exactly be “giving” me the silent treatment on purpose, just for the heck of it. There’s a reason this silence is happening, and it may have something to do with them, not just me.
It might not be such a bad thing, compared to the alternative. It might not mean what I think it means.
How do you react when you believe they’re giving you the silent treatment?
Depressed. Self-condemning. Furious.
Going over the exchanges prior to the silence–what was said, or expected, in the past? Deciding that person is rude, obnoxious, screwed up. Ripping them to shreds in my mind.
Not enjoying the moment, that’s for sure.
So who would you be without this very stressful belief that they are giving you the silent treatment, and it’s awful? Without the thought it means something bad about you, or about anyone, or about life?
You mean the silent treatment could be fine, or not a problem, or not so big a deal?
Who would I be, what would I be, how would I sit with that moment of No Person showing up, No Phone call coming in, No Text, No Email, No Letter, No Knock On The Door? What would that be like, to not fret about this thing called Silent Treatment?
I’d notice the present moment. The room I’m surrounded by, the chair I’m sitting in, the brightness of the day, the great quiet of the moment. Except in my thoughts, everything is very sweet and quiet.
Without the thought, I’d be free, and peaceful, and curious about that person I’m wondering about from time to time.
I’d trust that not everyone is supposed to be in communication with me at every moment. It’s better that way. Pausing, sabbaticals, rest, total silence is highly desirable, honestly. Why not right now?
Turning the thought around: I am giving myself the silent treatment (no show, no response, no communication).
Haha! Yes. I’m locked in on the stories of being ignored, or shunned, or avoided, or abandoned. My mind is full of horror stories of sadness, disappointment, loss, rejection. I’m feeding myself these images. I’m believing they’re true. I’m not communicating any love, responsiveness. I’m not showing up for me.
Turning it around again: That person is NOT giving me the silent treatment.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
Well, I see how wonderful my life, and how full, in this very moment. No absence, no abandonment, unless I believe in it. I’m sitting in my favorite chair, in my gorgeous little cottage. I have friends and family to connect with who are super cool and very supportive.
Perhaps noise, or conversation, is not required in the moment.
How do I know?
That’s what is happening. It’s reality.
Turning it around again: I am giving that other person the silent treatment.
I know this can feel untrue, given you have reached out and that other person is not responding.
How could it be just as true that YOU are being silent? What are you being silent about? What have you not shared? What have you withheld? Where have you not communicated, or shown up, or responded freely and honestly?
I have not said the truth to that person many times. I haven’t reached out when I’ve been upset. I haven’t said when I’m genuinely angry. I haven’t spoken up about my own preferences, I haven’t spoken up or asked questions when I’m curious or confused. I haven’t said what scares me, or what I’d prefer to change about our relationship.
I haven’t shared honestly.
Who’s the person who’s given the Silent Treatment?
Oh. That would be me.
To myself, to the other person.
“This is the end of the war inside you. I’m a lover of reality. How do I know I’m better off with what is? It’s what is.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
We’ve been taught we’re being given the Silent Treatment and that this is VERY BAD.
But that’s a very fearful story.
Without this story, you may notice the reality that whatever is happening is Reality’s way: Support. A break. Quiet. Time to do The Work.
Without my story of being stood up, forgotten, given silence (oh bad)….I love reality.
P.S. Come see how the problem is not you….it’s only your stressful thinking. Join me in the Immersion Class on August 22nd 8:30 am Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. Click HEREto register.