Your Kid Might Notice That It’s Working

Huge thank you for everyone who has sent me comments about the new little guidebook Top Ten Stressful Thoughts in Stressed-Out Parents Minds That Keep Them Struggling With Their Kids. If you’d like to send it to anyone, forward them this Grace Note!

And if you’d like to say “I didn’t get the part about….” then write me!

They can download it HERE. Parenting teleclass starts January 27, 2014 on Monday evenings Pacific time 5:15, or in February on Monday mornings.

(You can also get the parenting guidebook on my website HERE plus more info about the teleclasses).

Just yesterday, our Tuesday YOI Group (Year of Inquiry) spent some time looking at those darn people, like the children, who we’re really close to. These so often fall into one of these three categories: mate, child or parent.

Arrgggh! Don’t these people just drive you bananas sometimes?

I figure if you sort it out internally with ONLY one or two of these people, you could have a shifting perspective on trust, love and acceptance that might permeate the entire rest of your life, in truly amazing ways.

Today our group questioned the belief “I want him/her to be reliable”. Seems like a no-brainer, right?

Some of us were thinking about our teenagers, some of about our spouses, some of us about one of our parents.

Same thought. Same distress.

As we began The Work, I remembered how I had done The Work on my kid being late, a scene where I huffed and puffed and slammed the car door and drove him in a fury to school, telling him he needs to catch the bus and how inconvenient this is for me.

I had been so upset that I knew I needed to sit down and slowly do The Work. Not a fast-inquiry-job in my head….but a slow, deep one.

As our group began to inquiry together, I remembered another scene, a few weeks AFTER I did The Work….a very similar scene, with a different outcome.

It is a dark, winter morning. The big blue retro kitchen clock reads 7:11 am.

My son has not yet come out of the bathroom, and I still hear the shower running. His bus leaves the corner at 7:26. He should walk out the door at 7:22. He really should be eating breakfast, which he tends to skip, at 7:15. He should be getting dressed therefore at 7:12.

That’s in one minute.

Right now, at 7:11, the water in the shower should be turning OFF.

He’s 17 years old, for crying out loud! WHY CAN’T HE CATCH THE DAMN BUS?!

Why can’t you be RELIABLE? How hard can it be?

I lectured before, I’ve asked “is there anything I can do to help you?”. I’ve been reasonable, I’ve decided I won’t worry about it anymore.

I’ve done The Work, but here this familiar worry is approaching again.

It’s 7:11 and my pulse is starting to quicken and I’m getting nervous. How am I going to handle this situation. I have a teleclass at 8:00 am, on questioning your stressful beliefs. 

I say to myself “I should change my teleclass schedule from now on just to take into consideration his lateness“.

BUT! I will NOT change my own work schedule to accommodate HIM being LATE!

Tick-tick-tick-tick. It’s 7:13.

I feel the wave of worry….as I put on the kettle and get out my tea cup.

Then The Work enters my mind, as I am moving and watching my hand open a tea bag. Like a wide open feeling, not even quite a thought…..something stops. Wait, look, feel….is it true something terrible is happening, something uncomfortable, unfortunate, wrong, a mistake, a moment needing adjustment?

Remember your Work?

Is your stress necessary? Is this bad?

No….why, no. The wave recedes back. The kettle boils. The water pours. Almost in slow motion, and yet, within 2 minutes, I remember who I would be without the thought that he is late. That this shouldn’t be happening.

Well, look at that. Oh my. Amazing.

I turn the thoughts around, or they turn themselves around: this is fine, he is OK, he is learning something, if he misses the bus I can drive him part way so I myself am not late, he could have another tardy and that is not a problem, I love riding with him in the morning, he is taking all this in about school, alarms, intention, action, clarity, time, clocks. 

I don’t even know that he is unhappy about this “risk” of not getting credit or something happening as a result of these late mornings.

At 7:15 the shower turns off. At 7:17 he is moving through the kitchen to his room. As he passes me I cheer and laugh, smiling at how adorable he looks “Go Ben! Go Ben!”

At 7:20 he comes back through the kitchen with his back pack on his back, his short wet hair already drying. I throw my arms around his very tall and thin body and give him a big hug, bursting with joy.

“Bye mom! I love you!” The front door slams behind him.

7:22. 

“Don’t worry about whether The Work is working or not. You’re just beginning to learn how to do it. It’s like riding a bike. All you need to do is keep wobbling on….And you won’t necessarily be the first to notice that it’s working. You may find, as many people have, that it doesn’t seem to have any effect now, but you have already shifted in ways you can’t feel yet. The Work can be very subtle and profound.” ~ Byron Katie 

 As Far As Freedom Goes, It Works

“It never ceases to amaze me how much can be learned in an hour and a half. An awareness I got from class combined with an emotional collision with my mate yesterday I learned this: I want others to be happy so I don’t get “infected by their misery”. Is that true and furthermore, is it working?….Loving what is still strikes me as bizarre and as far a freedom goes, it works!” ~ SW, Year Of Inquiry YOI Participant  

With Love, Grace

P.S. Are you thinking about YOI in 2014? January group starts on Fridays 1/10 for an entire year of inquiry. Limited to 14 people. Already filling. Click HERE to read more.

2 Replies to “Your Kid Might Notice That It’s Working”

  1. Lovely, David, thank you for sharing! Love your noticing the feelings of being “old” or “young” and then, allowing everything to be as it is. Thanks for commenting!

  2. Wow! As I was reading, I was thinking ahead on how I would respond to your situation. It seems that there are so many “counselors” out there that want to fix their kids, but I’m a celebrator. I am so in agreement with what you wrote, and I thought you wrote it so beautifully!

    I’m a work at home father and my wife works out of the home. I have 3 school-age daughters and the youngest is young enough to be my granddaughter. As I get older, (I’m in my mid-50’s) it seems to get harder to be patient and celebrate the same things as my much younger family does and it makes me feel so very old. But when I allow things to just go naturally with gratitude, beautiful things usually happen.

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