Yesterday morning a wonderful group of sincere inquirers called in to Summer Camp teleconference to question their stressful thinking.
The painful concept that appeared on someone’s worksheet was that someone they love should speak up.
I could relate immediately.
Have you ever had the thought that someone you care about should speak up? Say it? Stand up? Drop the quiet thing and ask for what they need?
Oh boy. I’ve had this moment with one of my kids, with a very good friend, with my dad…..and with myself.
I’ve even had people in my past say this to me, like….dang, you should give him a piece of your mind, you should tell her off, you should stand up for yourself!!!
But what every inquirer noticed in our group was that when you believe it to be true, and it’s not happening, you feel aggressive about it, frustrated, annoyed, pushy, anxious….
….and something about the whole desire for someone to speak up feels off.
You are against that person being as they are, all mute and quiet over there.
Some people feel that without the belief that speaking up should happen, then they would lose, be passive, be crushed, or be used.
It’s really helpful to ask yourself why speaking up needs to happen, from you or anyone. (And then you could ask yourself also why speaking up is frightening, if it is.)
But let’s look at that other person right now, who should speak up.
I once had a really great friend in college who was super crazy shy. Funny enough, he was also a performer, so he was on stage often. He rocked the house in theater.
But when stuff happened in his personal life, and he needed to make a request or state his point of view….he got really mumbling nervous and careful and hesitant.
He should speak up! Gawd! Spit it out!
Is it true?
Oh. Well. I’m not sure, truth be told. There could be good reasons why not talking is helpful, or waiting to speak is a calmer idea.
No, I guess it’s not true.
How do I react when I believe that thought?
Frustrated! Critical! I roll my eyes and don’t want to deal with him. I feel separate, and superior (yikes). Inside my head I’m noticing what a dorkish, weak, pathetic person he is. I think he’ll never get anywhere in life, even if he’s a good actor on stage.
Kind of intense!
But who would I be without the thought, in the presence of that person who should speak up?
A huge weight lifts off my chest, out of my heart. I feel lighter, relaxed. I notice the dearness of that person and how gentle they are, so willing to wait, be soft with words. Maybe they are confused, and yet they don’t fight or push.
I see someone doing their best, who has a different idea than me about what should be said.
I turn the thought around: he should not speak up, I should speak up to him, I should speak up to myself.
I sit with these turnarounds and look for examples.
What I wanted with this speaking up business was for him to be happy and content. Maybe he’s already happy and content, without speaking up.
Silence is pretty awesome, that’s for sure.
Oh, and perhaps since I’m the one taking notice of speaking up, I could open a conversation myself, kindly, about what I’m seeing….with my friend.
Ultimately, could I be yearning for some kind of speaking up to happen inside MOI?
Yes, I could stop speaking poorly about myself, I could stop chattering away at what I did or did not do well, I could notice how much I love that quiet non-speaking friend, child, or parent.
I could see how much happiness and contentment is present here, inside me, inside that other person, whether speaking happens or not.
Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.~ Miguel Angel Ruiz
Today I notice how gentle I feel towards all those sweet people who didn’t speak up confidently, and how gentle I feel towards myself for not speaking up confidently when I thought I should.
“True words aren’t eloquent; eloquent words aren’t true. Wise men don’t need to prove their point; men who need to prove their point aren’t wise….The Tao nourishes by not forcing. By not dominating, the Master leads.” ~ Tao Te Ching #81
Much love, Grace